The first few weeks of anything new are always a challenge for me. Call it “culture shock” or “adjusting,” it stirs up feelings of exhaustion, self-doubt, and stress. It’s not an easy time. I keep thinking I’ll outgrow those difficult feelings. But I have not, and my first month of medical school unfortunately has been no exception.
Once the initial excitement of orientation wore off, it suddenly became more difficult to pop out of bed at 6:15am, and the past few weeks have been some of the most difficult that I have experienced in a while.
The lecture classes- Biochemistry, Molecular Biology, and Epidemiology/ Biostatistics- are interesting, but extremely fast paced. Each day I am presented with 4+ hours of new material. Tests happen nearly every week, and most classes end after a few weeks.
In addition to lectures, we have small group activities and a medical interviewing class. The schedule changes every week, which makes adjusting even more difficult.
The hurdle of adjustment was combined with a cascade of bad news-first my grandmother’s death. Then, I started feeling sick with a fever. I tried to ignore my burning sore throat because I had my first exams. Then, I learned that my bank had declined my student loan application. By the end of the week, I found out I had not done well on the Biochemistry exam
The following day was my “White Coat Ceremony” which is a new tradition for medical schools. It is a bit like graduation- there is a motivational speaker, a fancy auditorium, important faculty and staff, families- but instead of diplomas and hoods, students receive white coats.
I have mixed feelings about symbols like white coats, but I think social gatherings to honor celebrations and rights of passage are important. My mom came to attend the event, but I was not feeling worthy of receiving my white coat after such a depressing week.
Should I really be in medical school? Am I really going to make it through my first year? All these questions of self-doubt filled me. Then, the speaker from California- a lesbian graduate of my medical school- addressed us with personal examples from her career in medicine. I was touched by her speech, and truly felt like I wanted to be that type of doctor that she was. I must have been in the right place because by the end of her speech I felt ready to get my coat.
Since then, my confidence and health has come back strongly. I spoke with the dean and my professor regarding my low test-score, and both seemed surprised that I was so alarmed. My professor told me that the first test grade is no indication of how somebody does in the class or medical school, and he told me that actually I didn’t do poorly. The dean gave me a list of tutors. I remembered that I had a lot of doubt about making the “grades” in my premed courses, and somehow I kept doing my best and I got here. So, I have to trust that if I keep working hard, I’ll be fine.
It’s just difficult to keep working so hard when it seems like many people around me are brilliant and have a much stronger science background than I do. Medicine is filled with many skills besides the basic sciences, but none of the others will be evaluated for a while. The preclinical years of medical school probably won’t be the high point in my medical career, but I am accepting that they do not have to be.
Posted by Liz 
