Usually weeknights are reserved for studying, but this week it was Veterans Day and I was enticed by an evening invitation to hear Mussorgsky’s “Pictures at an Exhibition.” As I closed my eyes and let the music take me on a journey, I envisioned medical school being the pictures that I was traveling through. I love classical music!
The heavy chords of exams and frightening responsibilities, the somber moments of unbalanced life, and the few lighter moments shining amidst it all, with incredible beauty that can only exist when it is surrounded by hardness.
Although much of the music is minor with many heavy tones, I prefer this kind of winding and surprising tune to any other music. The complex vignettes were strung together by a common march that transitioned, like me as I become a doctor. I felt for a moment that I had perfect understanding of why I am in medical school.
The more I’m introduced to this vocation, the more I realize that- like everything else- it’s not perfect. Whether it’s the archaic record systems, the racism and sexism that are invisibly (and even visibly) rampant, the fact that money drives decisions and behaviors, power and ego are corruptible, and the unavoidable harm- sometimes it leaves me torn about how I can live with it all and still be the doctor I want to be.
Listening to Mussorgsky made me feel that it’s not only possible, but it can be overall quite beautiful too. Now, if I only had weeks like this more often.
