Liz's Medical School Journey

I have resisted writing this entry.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say about the last couple weeks.  Of course many good things happened, including Thanksgiving vacation.  But this year, I will refer to my Thanksgiving as “Angst-giving.”  I had my final Hematology-Oncology examination Wednesday morning before Thanksgiving, and to be brief… it went terribly!  I knew it immediately because I ran out of time.  I have never run out of time on any medical school exam before.

I felt horribly during the whole vacation.  I tried to reason with myself.  I didn’t do so poorly on the midterm, so I could even fail it and still pass the class.  The exam was difficult and all my classmates were complaining about it, so I probably was overreacting.

I had never failed a class before in my life, so it was probably unlikely at this point.  There was nothing I could do about it at that point, so why worry so much?  After all, what was the worst that could happen?  The worst: I could fail… and then float into the realm of mysterious consequences (because I wasn’t sure what would happen exactly).

Well, I failed.  It was crushing news because I had nearly talked myself out of my angst.  I can’t begin to explain the feeling to those who have not experienced something similar.  People not in medical school can’t understand how painful it is, and people in medical school (who have never failed anything) probably imagine it to be like death.  I felt sad, and surprisingly  angry.  I attended every lecture, read the entire syllabus and made flash cards.  I tried to be a good student, but still I wasn’t good enough to pass the exam.

At first, I felt like going directly home where I could hide from everybody I knew.  But, I decided that it would be too depressing to be home-alone, most likely crying by myself.  After all, my life wasn’t ending and there are much worse things that can happen, so I needed to have strength to accept it and move on.  I went to a coffee shop where I tried to study in public (while my mind kept wandering off to what the consequences would be).

Yesterday I met with a dean at the medical school, and although I knew the school wouldn’t kick me out for failing one exam, it was nice to hear it from her.  She was reassuring that this happens fairly often, that it won’t make me a worse doctor, and that I should stop beating myself up about it (right now)!  I will have to retake the exam in the summer.  If I pass, it won’t go on my transcript, and I don’t need to pay extra for the make-up exam.

Additionally, I was able to discuss more about the Board exam, and the third year rotation schedule which begins June 28.   I realized that May and June 2010 are going to be extremely challenging months for me.  So I am thinking about requesting the first rotation block off.  This way my husband and I can reconnect and take a summer vacation together, rather than jump into third year right away.

One positive thing that will come out of all this: I will learn Hematology/ Oncology really well!  Perhaps I’ll become a Hematologist or Oncologist someday, and when people asked me, “Why did you choose that?”  I can tell them how failure turned into expertise.  And of course I am trying to put this all behind me so I can focus on my new classes, Genetics and Musculoskeletal Pathophysiology.  Just two more weeks until more exams and the much desired Christmas vacation.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 4th, 2009 at 8:20 pm and is filed under 2nd Year, Exams & Boards. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.